||[Jun. 23rd, 2008|09:10 am]
I woke up in the middle of the night to Osro crying for more milk, more milk...I am at my wits end trying to get rest....I state in a sob "I can't do this anymore!" I kneel beside the bed, hang my head, and I just cry....He has soaked through another diaper and has been lying in a swamp of his own urine for god knows how long, my side is also drenched with his piss and everything is sweaty...I feel like shit. To say the least, utter shit. We both wail together as I carry him to his crib which has been dubbed changing station. I go about changing him through my tears, my left breast leaking all over everything, dripping to the floor, down the wooden sides of the crib, weeping down my abdomen, I can hardly tell the tears from the milk. Osro is squirming and squirming, the little worm that he is, so upset, so hungry and wet...With every movement he makes my frustration raises, we both cry louder and louder, "Stop moving! Please, stop moving!!" At this point Paul rises from his corner of the bed telling me to breath, to stop and just breath. Obviously I'm breathing, but I can't breath like he means...I just moan and cry louder and louder..He gets up and comes over, he squeezes me, as if trying to snuff me out, he's angry and tells me he can't handle this. I push him away in disgust. I go to the linen closet and grab a towel to place on the bed, "Oh fuck you fuck you I hate you...Fuck you." he can't handle this?? HE who was up all night playing poker, not feeding a baby...he who sleeps in everyday until 1 while I am changing diapers, feeding, soothing, cooing....trying at the same time to fill my stomache and keep clean...After places a couplke towels on the bed where Baby O and I will rest I go over to Paul who is now holding the babe, I reach my hands out [still crying] to grab him, and Paul turns away. I want to slap him at this point...turning like that, like he needs to defend and protect his baby from me. But instead I turn away and go back to bed waiting for him to give up and realize that at this point O's cries will not stop till he has a breast in his mouth.
Now I must state that Osro is a very tame baby..I mean he is not fussy at all...he only cries when he's hungry, cold or has leaked through a diaper and is soaking wet...but he is ALWAYS hungry which means I get little sleep always having to stay awake through each feeding to be sure he doesn't suffocate against my breast...and Paul does change diapers when he's awake....he is more supportive than any other young dad I know don't get me wrong....but fuck. It just really makes me angry that he would say such a thing...act such a way...
Transition is a bitch, and I can't stop crying.